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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23894779">The Loneliness Never Left Me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pline/pseuds/Pline'>Pline</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Coda, Episode Tag: s03e16, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Firefam Feels, First Kiss, Gen, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Team as Family, the one that got away</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 16:35:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,026</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23894779</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pline/pseuds/Pline</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Spoilers for episode 16.</p><p>.</p><p>“Buck is afraid he is gonna end up like Red, without friends, without family. He thinks the job is the only thing he’ll ever have and that he’ll always be alone.”</p><p>Silence falls around them, heavy and suffocating.</p><p>“We need to show him that he’s got us."</p><p>“Not show him,” Chim says. “<i>Tell</i> him.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Firehouse 118 Crew, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>104</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1108</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Loneliness Never Left Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>
  <b> Spoilers for <i>The One That Got Away</i></b>
</p><p> </p><p> <br/>The title is from the song <i> No Choir </i> by Florence + The Machine.</p><p> <br/>.</p><p>Translation into Russian available on <a href="https://ficbook.net/readfic/9374509">Ficbook</a></p><p> </p><p>I am on tumblr <a href="https://bilbobagglns.tumblr.com/">@bilbobagglns</a></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“<em>That would never happen to us. Right?”</em></p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>People leave Buck.</p><p>That’s what they do.</p><p>No matter how hurt he is each time, he can never blame them.</p><p>Buck is a lot. Buck needs to be loved so badly, needs to be told and reassured constantly that he means something to the people that he loves. He asks too much, gives them his all until he’s left empty and alone.</p><p>Always alone.</p><p>The thing is, Buck always loves more than he is loved.</p><p>In a way, he has made peace with it.</p><p>He is always going to be left behind, he is always going to matter less. The only thing he can do is enjoy what he has for the limited time that he has it.</p><p>One day, the 118 will leave him.</p><p>If he tries accepting it now, maybe it will hurt less when it finally happens.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Red dies.</p><p>Buck has known him for a little over a week, yet the man has left on him the biggest impact.</p><p>In Red’s past, Buck has seen his own future.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“What’s up with him? He’s been weird all week.”</p><p>At Eddie’s comment, the team looks at Buck make his quick exit after their shift, something that never used to happen but is now their new normal.</p><p>“I think he’s taking Red’s death hard,” Bobby says, his eyes still fixed on where Buck has disappeared.</p><p>“He only knew him for a week,” Eddie protests. “I don’t understand why he’s so affected.”</p><p>“We know Buck’s got a big heart,” Hen chimes in. “Is it really so surprising?”</p><p>Chim makes a humming noise, a little too loud, a little too pointed. Everyone’s attention turns to him but he keeps on putting his shoes.</p><p>Eddie is the first to break, “What is it?”</p><p>With a long sigh, Chim finally looks up at his friends, but it’s on Eddie that his gaze settles.</p><p>“You’re really not getting it, are you?”</p><p>“Clearly I’m not, so go ahead, share with the class.”</p><p>“Buck is afraid he is gonna end up like Red, without friends, without family. He thinks the job is the only thing he’ll ever have and that he’ll always be alone.”</p><p>Silence falls around them, heavy and suffocating.</p><p>“Did he say something to you?” Bobby asks, voice strained. “I know he told us about Red’s old firehouse but I never thought – ”</p><p>“He didn’t have to tell me,” Chim cuts then sighs again. “Look, I’m not about to tell you what Maddie has told me in confidence, but yes, Buck is taking it hard. It’s just – we give him a lot of shit, because he takes it all in stride and he’s fun to rile up, but…”</p><p>He trails off.</p><p>“We need to show him that he’s got us,” Hen finishes for him.</p><p>“Not show him,” Chim says. “<em>Tell </em>him.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Hen is the first to talk to Buck.</p><p>She waits until the middle of their next night shift, when the station is quiet and slow.</p><p>Everyone else is asleep in the bunk room, enjoying the rest for as long as they can, but when Hen wakes up, her throat dry from sleep, and sees that Buck’s bed is empty, she knows it’s time they talk.</p><p>She finds him on the couch, reading.</p><p>He looks up when he hears her, giving her a tired smile, and goes back to his book.</p><p>“Hey,” she says as she sits down next to him, nudging him so that he leaves her enough space.</p><p>“Can’t sleep?” he asks and closes his book.</p><p>“I wanted to talk to you.”</p><p>He lets out a startled laugh, “In my experience, this isn’t a conversation I’m gonna enjoy.”</p><p>She stares at him, reading the exhausted set of his mouth, the tensed line of his brow, the dulled glint of his eyes.</p><p>How did she not see how much pain he’s been in?</p><p>“I’m sorry,” she says at last.</p><p>“What? What for?”</p><p>“I’m sorry about Red and I’m sorry that I haven’t been there enough for you.”</p><p>Buck’s breath hitches.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” she continues when he won’t say anything, “that I didn’t see how much you were scared of losing us.”</p><p>“Hen,” he says, choked up. “It’s fine. I don’t understand why you’re saying this.”</p><p>“And that’s why I am saying it. I’ve never told you how much I love you, and you deserve to hear it.”</p><p>Tears fall from Buck’s eyes – he does not move to wipe them away.</p><p>“You’re family,” Hen says, offering him a gentle smile. “This is never going to change, even if one day we don’t work together anymore. I can’t imagine my life without you in it, you’ve become one of my greatest friends, and I love you.”</p><p>“I love you too,” he struggles to say.</p><p>Dragging him into a hug, she can only clutch onto him as he tries to hold back his sobs.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Next is Chim.</p><p>The both of them are at Buck’s place for poker night, and Maddie and Josh are on their way with take-out. They have about ten minutes until then, and Chim is gonna take the chance to have the discussion he’s been meaning to have with Buck.</p><p>“How are you feeling?”</p><p>“I’m great,” Buck says. “Why you’re asking?”</p><p>“Because you’re not.”</p><p>Buck stills. His back is turned but Chim can see the way his shoulders tremble, almost imperceptible. He would have missed if he wasn’t paying attention like he is.</p><p>“I know Red’s death shook you,” Chim continues. “I know you’re afraid you’ll end up like him – ”</p><p>That gets a reaction out of Buck. He flips around, his eyes burning with unshed tears.</p><p>“Did Maddie tell you?”</p><p>“No! No she didn’t say anything, but Buck, I know you.”</p><p>Everything in the way Buck holds himself is screaming the need to run, but Buck never runs away. He always plants himself and face danger and his fears head-on.</p><p>“Chim,” he says, almost like a warning, but Chim knows how to plant himself too.</p><p>“I won’t pretend like I know all that you’ve been through, but there’s something I know and it’s that you aren’t alone anymore. You’re never going to be alone again.”</p><p>“You can’t promise that. You know what happened to Red’s old team, they were like a family too, and he was left alone.”</p><p>“You won’t be.”</p><p>“You can’t promise that,” Buck repeats, lower, sadder.</p><p>“I can. I am.”</p><p>Buck’s gaze is searching, looking for any doubt, any reservation, Chim has nothing to hide. He can only hope that Buck is able to read the truth of his statement, but even if he can’t yet, it’s alright. He will prove it to him over time.</p><p>The door rings. Maddie and Josh must have their hands full with take-out.</p><p>Before they get to the door though, Buck pulls Chim into a quick bone-crushing hug, and Chim pretends like he doesn’t notice how Buck’s eyes shine too brightly.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Bobby invites Buck at his and Athena’s house for dinner.</p><p>It’s a fun time as they ever have, but Bobby can’t shake what Chim has said.</p><p>
  <em>He thinks the job is the only thing he’ll ever have and that he’ll always be alone.</em>
</p><p>How can Buck not know how much he is loved? How can he not see how far anyone on his team would go for him?</p><p>Why didn’t Bobby see Buck’s self-doubt?</p><p>Because Bobby has always known that, behind the kid’s bravado, hides a mountain of insecurities. It’s easy to forget though when Buck smile is always so big and bright.</p><p>“I heard about Red,” Athena says gently. “I’m sorry, Buckaroo. He sounded like a good man.”</p><p>Buck casts his eyes down, “He was.”</p><p>Athena shares a saddened look with her husband.</p><p>“It’s a good thing you did for him.”</p><p>“I guess,” he mumbles, clearly uncomfortable.</p><p>“It was a good thing,” Bobby intervenes. “He was grateful, everyone could see it.”</p><p>“Yeah, I did one good thing for him,” Buck says sharply. “Not before I made things worse though.”</p><p>He bites his lips, hard, as if trying to hold back any words that might burst out without his permission.</p><p>“Buck,” Athena starts.</p><p>“Let’s talk about something else,” he cuts. “Literally anything else.”</p><p>“No, we’re going to talk about this,” Bobby says. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this.”</p><p>“You don’t have to, Cap’. Hen and Chim already gave me a little speech, you don’t have to force yourself.”</p><p>“I’m not forcing myself into saying anything, Buck.”</p><p>Bobby takes a deep breath to calm the rising shame in his chest. Buck is in pain, and Bobby did nothing for so long. This ends now.</p><p>“I didn’t think that I needed to say it, I thought it was obvious, but I realize now that some things need to be said.”</p><p>Neither Bobby nor Athena miss Buck’s glance towards the door, either hoping for an interruption or a quick exit.</p><p>“I love you, Buck. You’re very important to me.”</p><p>Buck is perfectly still, not even daring to breathe, his eyes wide and fixed on Bobby’s.</p><p>“I know that, a long time ago now, I told you that the 118 wasn’t a family. I was fooling myself. Even back then, you, Chim and Hen had already become my family, so has Eddie now. None of us are ever gonna leave.”</p><p>It’s risible almost how small Buck can look at times – if by risible one means soul-shattering and crushing. By all means, Buck should never be small. Buck is as big as life itself, everything about him is monumental.</p><p>His heart, his courage, his loyalty.</p><p>“We both love you so much, Buckaroo,” Athena says. “You need to know that.”</p><p>“You say that now, and I know you mean it now.”</p><p>Does he?</p><p>“We’ll mean it in ten years too.”</p><p>“Yeah?” Buck asks, childlike almost.</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>Before Buck goes home that night, Bobby holds him for a long time, and Buck clings to him just as tight.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Eddie tries to talk to Buck several times.</p><p>He never finds the right moment. Either there are people around or they don’t have enough time to broach the immensity of what Eddie wants to say.</p><p>What could he even say?</p><p>Eddie has never been good with words. If it were only for him, he would not even try say these things he thinks are so obvious – he loves Buck, he will never leave him, no matter what.</p><p>But if Buck needs to hear it, then Eddie will say it, because Buck deserves the world.</p><p>Bottled up for so long, the words could only spill out from him.</p><p>They are at Eddie’s place early one morning.</p><p>It’s after a 24-hour shift. They should have gotten each to their homes to sleep the day away, but tension of the day lingers and neither will be able to find rest yet.</p><p>Buck is exhausted but his smile never wavers at all, even as he fixes them both breakfast.</p><p>It’s Eddie’s kitchen, it’s Eddie’s place, yet Buck feels right in this space. Buck <em>is</em> home.</p><p>Finally, Eddie finds the words.</p><p>“Move in with us.”</p><p>The spatula clatters loudly against the kitchen counter.</p><p>“What?” Buck says, voice much higher than normal.</p><p>“Move in with us,” Eddie repeats. The idea has just come to him but he has never been surer of anything in his entire life. “I need you in my life like I’ve never needed anyone else. Move in, stay here with us, <em>forever.</em>”</p><p>“Eddie, I’m begging you. Don’t joke about this.”</p><p>“I’m not joking, Buck. I could never joke about this. I love you. I love you so much. I want to grow old with you, I want everything with you.”</p><p>Buck’s lip wobbles and, for once, Eddie doesn’t hold himself back. He takes one step, then another, bracing himself for a rejection that never comes.</p><p>“Can I?” he asks, stilling his hands around Buck’s cheeks.</p><p>“Yes,” Buck whispers.</p><p>Eddie holds Buck’s face and searches his eyes one more time. He only finds openness, trust and love. So much love.</p><p>He kisses him.</p><p>It’s soft and slow, like a promise they are making to one another, to be there, to stay.</p><p>Forever.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Okay so if you know anything about me, you know I live for the firefam. But! They need to tell him how much they love him!!</p><p>So yeah, I wrote this.</p><p>I hope you liked this! As always, don't forget to leave a comment to tell me what you though of it!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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